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Hoi pollo loco

IN a five-year peace process scheme with insurgents, the government needs to splurge them… a three-year eat-all-you-can supply of fastfood fare—soft drinks, burgers, chicken, and what have you… at sa matitirang dalawang taon, dapat na tustusan ang kanilang pangangailangan sa facial cosmetics and cleansers plus other beauty products including discount cards at gay bars.

The first three years of pigging out on such a diet surely besets them with diabetes, osteoporosis, obesity, hypertension, weak hearts, wrecked adrenals and immune systems, at the least… pero ang pinakamatinding dagok sa kanilang hanay, they’ll likely turn into screaming faggots or macho gays… who are sure to fall for and surrender to the fiery, steely charms of government soldiers.

That’s how to wage—and win-- a dietary low-intensity conflict… indulge them while laying siege to their hearts, minds and body biochemistry entire through their tummies… that’s how to hide daggers in a smile, the madness of method in killing with knives borrowed from kitchens of fastfood chains.

Sabi nga’y masisima kahit isdang dapa sa bukana, este, sa bunganga—kapag inasinta sa sikmura.

Lumalabas sa mga ulat na tigmak sa estrogen—the female signaling hormone—ang ipinapakain sa manok, baboy at iba pang assembly line livestock upang mabilis na bumulas, tumaba’t maipagbili sa madaling panahon… para tipid sa gastos ng matagalang pagpapalaki.

The hormone remains in livestock flesh… sasalin sa katawan ng mahilig lumantak sa mga putaheng fastfood… hormones accumulate, reach critical levels in the body… parang hormone replacement therapy sa losyang na Lola Basyang ang mangyayari…

Sa isang nakalkal na ulat: ‘All this estrogen in your body can cause prostate cancer, heart disease, impotence, and a host of other problems. And, it can gradually “castrate" you.

‘It can "feminize" your body and wreak havoc on your sex life.

‘It's not just "man boobs" you have to worry about. Excess estrogen can make you fat, slow, and tired too.’

So this is a roundabout way of explaining to a beer buddy who’s been wondering aloud for ages, “Hindi naman nabubuntis ang mga binabae pero bakit dumadami sila?”

Fastfood fare is cheap, a hit with the hoi polloi… pero kahit makatipid sa gastos sa pagkain, tiyak na gagastos naman ng mas malaki sa pagpapagamot.

Baka naman ang talagang pinupuntirya ng mga ganitong pagkain, mabawasan ang bilang ng populasyon… at kikita pa nga ng limpak sa bentahan ng gamot, why, anti-hypertensive medications alone is a $90-billion yearly earner for pharmaceutical outfits…

Thank heavens for odd feeding habits, I’m still strong as an ant, very much alive and kinky—mas busog-lusog kasi na kumain ng exotic seafood tulad ng sardinas, tahong, talaba, tulya, halaan… basta bumuka, lantak na.

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