Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Dentally deranged

LEAVE mangy mongrels to rip each other’s throats as they sink fangs at any bone of contention, keep your peace chewing cud or crisp strips of bacon as ruminants do.

As feng shui lore has it, “the teeth relate to stating your needs, wants, desires and your individual creative expression.”

The area tied to mouth, gums, molars, gnawing and knowing, suet and sweets: west. It’s feng shui designated zone for creativity, children, and projects… the dental ties in nicely with the mental… uh, blabbermouths of less than lofty attainments of the mind accurse themselves, bring all sorts of sickness on themselves by hanging out in such parts where good ole Sol sets…

Sound thought and tooth can be a stranger to both friction and fiction… more so if you’ve got molar qualms or suffer from mendicant thoughts, sure, enunciate it loud and clear, mendicant thoughts are impoverished thoughts.

A steady beer buddy of ours won’t own up to suspicions that he’s often armed to the teeth, why, he’ll remind you of an Ernest Hemingway classic— “A Farewell to Arms.”

Not exactly a scatter-brained chap, he’s not likely to see an orthodontist… and ask to be fitted, so risk a bad case of malocclusion with mental braces.

Teeth are hard—they fall away… tongue is soft, so it lingers, often at the labia to tease out mind-blowing thrills. And if you’ve got a full set of dentures as any warty toad or frog—filthy rotten old goat—does, why, you need not lie through your teeth… you can lie through and through…

So peddle lies and there’ll be hell to pay… there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. To the smart aleck poser, “What if we don’t have teeth like the laws of the Philippines that can’t throw the book or throw in jail a scheming pencil pusher and bead counter like Carlos Garcia?”

Our beloved departed columnist Manuel F. Martinez quickly retorts: “Teeth will be provided.”

Hopefully, those rows of teeth would be on a chain saw, the sort of cutting implement wielded by the Ampatuan clan of Maguindanao in butchery… and they’ll tell the courts the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth, pwe-he-he-he!

Dearest… spare me your aching thought… and if you’re having second thoughts, second thoughts, second thoughts—that’s too lewd and loud and just like this old geezer, he ought to be obscene and not heard.

So keep in mind this nugget of feng shui lore: “the teeth relate to stating your needs, wants, desires and your individual creative expression.”

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