Thursday, August 28, 2008

Hindi virago impakta-- virgo intacta!

KUNG lumagpas na sa katakam-takam na edad… 69… at ang tumitigas na lang ay mga kasu-kasuan… far over the hill to go scuba diving more or less at a depth luscious and lush between two feet of a dilag, este, sa maalat-alat, umaalon-alon at maginaw na dug-out, whoopsydaisy, dagat nga pala… kailangan nang ibuhos ang loob—dahil nga hindi na makapagbalik-loob ni maibandila sa taglay na tagdan ang pagbabalik-loob sa yungib na pinagmulan—todo-buhos ang loob sa pagtuklas ng kaalaman mula Lumang Tipan!

Go bury yourself between the pages… titigilan, huhumpayan na ‘yang mga pakikilala, pakikiliti’t pakikilibing… because there’ll be meatier morsels of canned thoughts in the Scriptures.

Seek like a heat-seeking missile does and it’ll be a blast.


Malakas ang kutob kong natuklasan ni Lola Berta ang nakalahad na lihim sa Lumang Tipan ukol sa pagpapanumbalik ng sigla ng katawan kahit lagpas na sa edad-69… umabot nga si Lola Berta sa 120 taon, nasilayan pa ang pagsibol ng ilan sa kanyang mga apo sa tuhod… saka payapang lumisan.

She sure cuddled her great grand children a lot, chanted at them eldritch doggerels and snatches of orisons and psalms like an outpouring of a hymnal… but she refused to sleep anywhere near a child. She never bothered to explain why so.

If that is so, why then it is so, and if it should be so, could there be harm in such being so, so?

Malinaw naman ang pagkakalahad ng tequila... este, kakila-kilabot na lihim na ibinaon sa mga limbag na dahon ng Lumang Tipan.

Hala, basa… Unang aklat ng mga ari… ehek… Hari! Unang kabanata, una hanggang ika-apat na talata!

Now King David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat. Wherefore his servants said unto him, “Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.”

‘So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Ab’i-shag a Shu’nammite, and brought her to the king. And the damsel was very fair and cherished the king, and ministered to him…’

(Wink, wink, wink: By the way, did King David shag Ab’i-shag?) Aba, i-shag!

‘… but the king knew her not.’

Hymen is no cognomen. So we have here an exception on the oft-plied “nomen est omen,” thy very name is a seal of thy fate, why, Arroyo is a hollow chasm or lungaw— which rhymes with tungaw, a wee blood sucking insect—na parang bangin na kinasadlakan ng bansa; Dennis is a variant of Dionysouse so we get soused in the company of kindred spirits like Wilfrido which is “lover of peace” kaya madalas akong pigilan at sansalain nitong malaking mama na maghasa ng talim into a femoral vein and carotid artery ng sinuman… Dong is a three-man hit team working in unison guided by a Rene Descartes work ethic of sorts: Cogitamus ergo sum. “We think therefore I am.” Isa pang salin: Cogitamus igitur possumus, we think therefore we can. (No bipolar personality disorder there, my dear, there’s a triumvirate within—es, ich, uber ich, an idiot, an ego, and a god.)

So the Scriptures bear a record of that quaint rejuvenating praxis that has become known in certain coteries as Shunamitism in honor of the place where Ab’i-shag, uh… came…

Honoring her name might have turned up a less mystical-sounding word that runs counter to the rejuvenation process itself since scriptural records say that when King David was in the fair damsel’s company, there wasn’t done a sin of emission.

So those young pussies like Fu Hao, Fu Yu and Puki-puki that have a run of our household, each a cuddlesome delight, they likely do their bit of Shunamitism on me, God bless ‘em.

In summation, the rejuvenation process involves sleeping with a virgo intacta
—hindi virago impakta!

Violent reactions; contrary nultural or cultural views; viruses that can wreck a mobile phone’s pathetic database; death threats; pornographic and kinky pictures; chess opening analyses; suggestions; comments; instant tarot card readings; exotic recipes for miso, chevon, tofu and aubergines; professions of undying love or lust; vodka tasting session alerts; snippets of Van Halen covers or compositions; hideously huge fund transfers, or excess P10 load welcomed at 09174216774 or habalakibur@hotmail.com, mwa-ha-ha-haw!

(But that's not my cellphone number, mind you...)

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