MANGKOKOLUM!

Acknowledged grandmaster of qigong (literally, ‘working with life energy’) Li Ching-yuen at 71 joined the Chinese army and taught troops the finer points of unarmed combat. Records have it he lived to 256 years, married 23 times, and fathered over 200 children. One of Li’s disciples reported of having met a much older man, about 500 years old who taught the disciple qigong exercises and gave out dietary recommendations purportedly to extend the lifespan to superhuman proportions. For Li, “inward calm and peace of mind combined with breathing techniques were the secrets to incredible longevity.” One of the quaint herbs that the grandmaster subsisted on is Centella asiatica , gotu kola or what we know hereabouts as takip-kuhol —two leaves a day keeps old age at bay, so insists an adage—which, when taken with a spoonful of honey can keep the blaze in gray and groin matters roaring. However, Li is no longer around to endorse the virtues of the herbs he fed on to keep in shape...

T he bellyaching below went to a scrotum-crunching pitch. Sore at the din of whines streaming off a pond, an incensed Bathala stormed down from heavens to face a gaggle of 54-million strong croakers who wanted an audience with the deity. “And what is it that you, pitiable pestering crackpots turning this pond water into whine, what is it you whine for this time? I have already given you a king! A king that you all deserve,” thundered the deity. “You insufferable nincompoops can only get what you deserve. Did I not make myself clear on that point?” Chorus of croakers whined some more: “We want a fresh mandate of heaven. A new deal is what we deserve. Whatever you gave us was an insufferable computer game addict whose only lasting legacy bequeathed to us was a word annoying-- noynoying .” “You only get what you deserve,” reiterated the deity. “And we deserve a fresh mandate of heaven, do we not? Not the log you have tossed down here. It’s rotten and wou...